Coat ofArms

Saturday, 30 August 2014

Joke of the Day - Coffee with the Pope

The people at Starbucks managed to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican. After receiving the papal blessing, the Starbucks official whispers, "Your Eminence, we have an offer for you.

Starbucks is prepared to donate $100 million to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily coffee.'

The Pope responds, "That it is impossible. The prayer is the word of the Lord. It must not be changed."
"Well," says the Starbucks man, "we anticipated your reluctance. For this reason we will increase  our offer to $300 million."
"My son, it is impossible. For the prayer is the word of the Lord, and it must not be changed."
The Starbucks guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Starbucks respect your adherence to the faith, but we do have  one final offer...We will donate $500 million - that's half a billion  dollars – to the great Catholic Church if you would only change the Lord's  Prayer from
'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our  daily coffee.'

Please consider it." And he leaves.

The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals. "There is some good news," he announces, "and some bad news.  The good news is  that the Church will come into $500 million. "

And the bad news, your Holiness?" asks a Cardinal.

"We're losing the Wonder Bread account”

Sunday, 24 August 2014

Joke of the Day - Sunday 24 Aug 2014

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

"Morris Feinberg," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."
"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."
"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."
"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a fucking wall."

Beautiful day for a Skydive

Today I went to Abbotsford at Skydive Vancouver where I met my friend Conrad Yue and his family, I worked with Conrad at ISL many years ago.  His wife Joanna had previously did  a Skydive at Skydive Vancouver and enjoyed her jump so she persuaded Conrad to try it.  After the skydive they treated me to a nice dinner at Midori a Japanese Restaurant in Abbotsford, here's a few photos:

Wednesday, 13 August 2014

Joke of the Day - Wednesday 13 Aug 2014

I have to admit, I have great friends with a good sense of humour, enjoy
A man received the following text from his good friend and neighbor :

"I am so sorry, Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess that I have been tapping your wife, day and night, when you're not around. In fact, much more than you do."

"I'm not getting any at home, but that’s no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my apology with my promise that it won't happen again. You have my word."

The man, angry and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in : “Damn auto-correct. I meant 'wifi,' not 'wife.'


Another I like, for any teachers or COPS out there

These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded (but, boy, are these funny!)

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. (my favorite...)

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming..

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country

1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?" ( I've actually used this one... and it is in fact, very funny )

8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC."(National Crime Information Center)

13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."


16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.. Sign here."

Sunday, 3 August 2014

3 August 2014 6 years exactly since my Plane crash

Today to celebrate 6 years since that famous day in 2008, I decided to go for a solo skydive at Skydive Vancouver in Abbotsford, BC.  Felt great, had a slight helmet problem on the first jump, on landing Debbie was kind enough to sew the helmet strap so it wouldn't fall apart in the air, here's a few selfie photos with the GoPro hero 3+ camera, enjoy.

 Showing the GoPro image on my iPhone to our Manifest girl