Coat ofArms

Sunday, 28 July 2013

Joke of the Day



 

Recent Survey

In a recent survey commissioned by president Obama, his supporters have proven to be the most likely to have had
sex in the shower.
The survey was carried out for Democrats by a leading soap and toiletries firm.

The results revealed that 86% of Obama supporters said
that they have had sex in the shower.
The remaining 14% said they haven't been to prison yet.

Thursday, 18 July 2013

Another Joke of the Day - Thursday 18 July 2013


So, what's the problem?

Got this one from my friend Rod in Texas.  Priceless

 


A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had avocados."
If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again! Men will get it the first time.
My work is done here.
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Water in the carburetor
WIFE: "There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."
HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous "
WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?
WIFE: "In the pool"
 ===========================================
A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC, PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRYSOME IN RECENT YEARS.
25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.
That's scary.
It means 75% are running around untreated.
 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell  phone. He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features.
Meg was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone.
The next day Meg went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end.
"Hi Meg," he said, "how do you like your new phone?"
Meg replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though..."
"What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.
"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"
 -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
HE MUST PAY
Husband and wife had a tiff. Wife called up her mom and said, "He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you."
Mom said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= 
Today's Short Reading from the Bible...
From Genesis: "And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth."
Then He made the earth round...and He laughed and laughed and laughed!


Joke of the Day - Thursday 18 July 2013


Pilots and Control Towers
Got this one from my friend Rod in Texas.  Priceless

 
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"

Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital  watches!"

_____________________

Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."

TWA  2341: "Center, we are  at 35,000 feet.. How much noise can we make up here?"

Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

____________________________

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm  f...ing bored!"

Ground Traffic Control: "Last  aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"

Unknown  aircraft: "I said I  was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

______________________________

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say  this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."

_________________________________

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was  your last known position?"

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

__________________________________

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San  Jose Tower noted:"American 751, make a  hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights, and  return to the airport."

__________________________

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in  German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in  English): "If you want an answer, you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in  English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"

 ___________________________________

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"

Eastern  702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind  Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern...we've already notified our caterers."

___________________________

One day the pilot of  a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the  radio and said, "What  a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours, and I'll have enough parts for another one."

____________________________

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them.  So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt, Speedbird 206! Clear of active runway."

Ground:  "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird  206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant  impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206  (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- and I didn't land."

_______________________________

While taxiing at London's Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.

An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I  tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"