I have to
admit, I have great friends with a good sense of humour, enjoy
A man received
the following text from his good friend and neighbor :
"I am so
sorry, Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess that I have been
tapping your wife, day and night, when you're not around. In fact, much more
than you do."
"I'm not
getting any at home, but that’s no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt
and I hope you will accept my apology with my promise that it won't happen
again. You have my word."
The man, angry
and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot
his wife and killed her.
A few moments
later, a second text came in : “Damn auto-correct. I meant 'wifi,' not 'wife.'
-----------------------------------------------
Another
I like, for any teachers or COPS out there
These are
actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City
public school system. All teachers were reprimanded (but, boy, are these
funny!)
1. Since my
last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not
allow this student to breed.
3. Your child
has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your son is
depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. (my favorite...)
5. Your son
sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student
has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
7. This child
has been working with glue too much.
8. When your
daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates
are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming..
10. If this
student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
11. It's
impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000
others.
12. The wheel
is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.
These are
actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. The comments were taken off actual
police car videos around the country
1. "You
know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went
through."
2. "Relax,
the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear
them a while."
3. "If you
take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless
document."
4. "If you
run, you'll only go to jail tired."
5. "Can
you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the
bullet that'll be chasing you."
6. "You
don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I
want to on the ticket, huh?"
7. "Yes,
sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh,
did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?" ( I've actually used this
one... and it is in fact, very funny )
8.
"Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or
I'll give you another ticket."
9. "The
answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was
Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
10. "Fair?
You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides,
eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."
11. "Yeah,
we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
12. "In
God we trust; all others we run through NCIC."(National Crime Information
Center)
13. "Just
how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"
14. "No
sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write
as many tickets as we can."
15. "I'm
glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you
know someone who can post your bail."
AND THE WINNER
IS....
16. "You
didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.. Sign
here."